Secret Life
by girltype
Summary: M/Z. Don't kill me! just an idea that I got in my head about Adam and I wanted to play. *mrow* come on, give it at try, you know ya wanna. It's non-fattening, unless you're like me and enjoy eating candy when you read fan-fic.
1. Almost there

Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters don't belong to me.

Author's Note: This is a tentative beginning. I'm not too sure whether I want to go on with this plot line, but I've gone Zack crazy recently and so I'm working on this, another Zack story, pre-cyborg fun, and two cute humor-ish M/A fics. If you tell me this is a good start then I'll go on with it. Or try to. If not, it will be finished anyway and just not put up.

Secret Life

Chapter 1: Almost there

~*~

__

Feelin' I've been lost for years

You can never understand me

'Less you've seen those tears

But you can never get to…

Sleep when I'm away

I don't mind

Deeper than you've laid

Out of time, Pain

I can't sleep, Pain 

I can't sleep

Runnin' 

Runnin' from those days

There's another one inside me

Guess I've gone insane

But you always run away

When I come around

I don't mind

Death'll track you down

Run you down

Pain, I can't sleep

_~ Four Star Mary, "Pain"_

~*~

Love can be death. The thought woke him in the night, a sheen of sweat sparkling in the moonlight. For a moment he remembers children clinging to each other in the dark night and then it blows away like a fog, a dream that you wake to knowing you had it but the details escape you.

He stands, unconscious grace flowing through his body, and he pads to the window. He leans out, letting the cool wind tousle his already disheveled blonde hair and feels cold air drag away the scent of fear. He looks down at the ground two stories up and he feels safe, "the high place," he whispers not really knowing what it means, but knowing it was a comfort once. That something inside of him longed to be high above the ground, and he knows, without knowing, that he used to climb before…before the accident.

Things whisper to him in the night, more so than in the day. It's as though it was in the night that he had lived for twenty-two years, a child of the night more than any parents that might wish to claim him.

Pushing himself away from thoughts that only frustrate him, he turned to the bed and moonlight glints off his eyes and he feels like a predator, with stalking movements, fluid and measured, and then that too is forgotten. He turns to a mirror hanging over an oak dresser. "Adam," he whispers, breaking the silence that had hung like an old companion in the small bedroom, "who are you?" He looks at the chiseled jaw, that clinched without him realizing it, looks at the clear blue eyes, full of knowledge that he cannot claim. They whisper to him like the night, like heights, but he can't tell what they say. 

He knows his own face now, two months ago that had not been the case. He had looked into the mirror and it had been a stranger that had looked back. A face he knew others considered beautiful, but he didn't care. Something in the back of his mind told him beauty was unimportant, trivial in its normalcy. 

With a grimace he sinks into the bed knowing that deep brown eyes will haunt him, though he knows not why. Muscles, which had been toned before months of farm labor, bunch as he runs his hands over his face and sighs. Staring up at the ceiling he tries to hunt down the whispers but tonight, like every night, they elude him.

Seattle tomorrow, his mind told him. Seattle, Mae and Buddy hadn't wanted to take him but he had turned those eyes and that face on them. He knew what effect he had on people and had no fear of using it. They had given in, and he had graced them with a rare smile, leaving them feeling like they had done the right thing. Seattle, something there called to him, causing a twinge in his heart that nothing else but brown dream eyes had.

"Answers," he grumbled as he turned onto his side, "it's about time I got some."


	2. Passing Time

Disclaimer: Mine! All Mine! The skittles are all mine, the DA characters, however, are not.

Author's note: Sorry this took so long. I went to New Orleans this weekend for Mardi Gras. Fun Stuff. I know you all missed me, right? I fixed the lyrics and didn't bother with anything else.

Review, or I withhold the story! Mwahaha

Secret Life

Chapter 2: Passing time

~*~

__

There's no windows in this place  
for me to show my weary face.  
Rage I hold within my soul,  
at times I can not control.  
What's the point of me being here  
when being here is what I fear?  
Everyday it's all the same  
trapped again in my own pain.  
I cry myself to sleep.  
So many secrets I must keep.  
No one to reach to nobody cares,  
trapped in the middle of a distant stare

~ The Moffats, Frustrated

~*~

Adam walked down the stairs slowly, making no noise. A habit that had earned him a scolding from Mary more times than not. He would let a smile barely curl the edge of his full pink lips and say, "I figure it's in my nature."

She would beam at him, her smile putting his to shame, "that it is, m'boy, that it is."

Today when he entered the bright kitchen Mary was standing in front of the stove and Buddy was reading the paper while gulping down coffee. "Mornin'," Bud said absently.

Mary turned to him with a scowl, "getting' up late, aren't we?" She shook a finger at him menacingly, "just 'cause we're goin' ta Seattle today doesn't mean ya get ta be lazy, m'boy."

"Rough night," was his grumbled reply as he gingerly sat down at the large wooden kitchen table, rubbing one hand over his face.

Mary's scowl cleared as she suddenly went into mother hen mode. "You poor boy, what can I do ta help ya?"

"Breakfast would be nice," Adam answered shyly.

"O'course, breakfast would do ya a world o'good. Put some meat on them bones. A good ole country breakfast; eggs, sausages, and biscuits." She placed a plate infront of him heaped high with food and ruffled his hair was a smile as he nodded his thanks. 

Bud looked up with a smile of his own, "be careful, boy, she dotes on you. I might be lookin ta get jealous. "He laughed and folded his paper before getting up with a sigh. "Eat up, we'll be leaving in an hour."

"Yes, sir." Adam settled down to eat as he quietly listened to Mary go on about the trip. Looking at her the first thing someone would notice would be that her face was made for smiling, wrinkles at the edge of her eyes and around her mouth spoke volumes that she often did. The next would be the plump body and black hair with shocks of white threaded through its short length. She was a pretty woman, growing gracefully into maturity. She suddenly became serious as she sat across from him at the table; her hands folded in front of her. "Any reason the night was rough?"

"I just had trouble sleeping," herd blue eyes met soft green ones.

"The nightmares again?" she asked simply, her voice as soft as her eyes. The first month after the accident he had suffered night terrors that had him waking in the dead of night calling out to people he didn't remember. Mary would appear with a smile and a glass of milk. She had delighted in mothering him, and on several occasions he had bristled at the thought that she believed him incapable of taking care of himself. He had stopped complaining when he had realized it was how she treated everyone. 

He had never told her the specifics of his dreams because what little he remembered of them was confusing and something he knew, without knowing why, was a secret he had to keep safe, clutched tightly to himself. 

"I thought I'd gotten over those," he grumbled, glaring down at his eggs.

"Something haunts you, m'boy, you don't just get over that," she reached for one of his hands, covering it gently with hands hardened by years of work. "Maybe someday you'll remember what it is." 

"Yeah, someday." After a minute of quiet Mary continued her rant about going into the city, knowing the best thing she could do was try and distract him from his brooding.

They were in one of the farm's truck within the hour as promised. Buddy and Mary were in the cabin and Adam was sitting in the truck bed with his head leaning back against the closed back window, surrounded by good that needed to be sold in one of outside markets in Seattle. He idly listened to the two talk. 

He knew that being able to hear them through the glass about the roaring wind was something he shouldn't be able to do, like many other talents he had discovered. It had been when a ranch hand, having too much to drink, attacked him that he realized that his body knew how to defend itself. Something that had confused and alarmed him when he found himself, his hand around the man's throat, debating the best way to kill him. Already having broken his arm just with his hands Adam was forced to wonder where a farm boy would learn to fight and kill so effectively.

He had begun watching himself, holding back his strength, and refusing to test its limits, afraid that he would hurt someone else. However, he didn't see any harm in seeing into distances that left other people gaping at him or hearing things that no one else seemed able to. So he listened in on their conversation, boredom driving him on more than anything else.

Something Mary said suddenly caught his attention; "do ya think it's a good idea bringin' him along?" She sounded worried and Adam knew that her eyes would be wide as she looked at her husband. 

"He'll be fine," was Bud's strong assurance. "If we keep him away from that girl is should be fine," this was said in a wavering voice that made Adam's eyes slit as he unconsciously sat up straighter.

"I don't want him ta get hurt." Mary's soft voice came; soothing the tense set of his shoulders and making his body relax. He had to wonder what was wrong with him, for a moment he had suspected that the two people that had taken care of him for so long were not the kind people they seemed. He shook away to clear away his paranoia and did his best to ignore anything else that the two said.

The air was crisp here, warm and clean as it tossed his golden hair into his eyes. He never got to appreciate the country before. His brows furrowed as the thought struck him. That was impossible, before the accident he had been on the farm for two years. How could he not have appreciated the countryside before?

He ran his hands through his hair and rested his forehead against his knees, trying desperately to remember what was always just out of his reach. An annoying buzz around his ears that he could never quite pinpoint. A sense wrongness filled him as he looked at the bags of farm goods, a feeling that nothing was right in the world that everyone insisted was the reality. He felt like he might be going insane, the pressures of remembering a life that escaped him finally getting to him. 

He closed his eyes against the thoughts and the only result was for pictures of children with haunted eyes to flash before him. He was breathing heavily when he felt the truck stop and it was with relief that he leapt out of the bed not even realizing the fluid grace of his movements sent several curious eyes in his direction.

He looked around with a straight face, Seattle sat around him loud and busy and decaying. He didn't know what he had expected but the streets, dark even in daylight, and the hopeless eyes of the men and women who walked past him, hadn't been it. Bud clapped him on the shoulder jostling him out of his revere.

"You ok, boy?" He looked worried; his eyes were round and curious.

"Yeah. No worries." Adam forced a smile before nodding to the truck bed; "do we need to start on that?"

"Yup, why don't you get some of those boxes over there and we'll start getting' them to the supervisor."

Adam easily grabbed two boxes that would have staggered a normal man and turned to follow Bud when a bike messenger caught his eye. She was across the street casually standing over her bike, looking behind her impatiently. Her brown hair cascaded down her back as she shook her head sadly. He just barely caught her words to a young man who rode up beside her. "Why do you insist on following me around, Alec?'

"Cause you're so much fun?" The smirk accompanying the comment was playful and confident. Striking a cord in the back of Adam's mind, too low for even him to catch. The two drove off before he ever got the chance to see the girl's face.


	3. Looking in

Disclaimer: Yeah, they're mine I just like slumming it ever now and then. Uh huh.

Author's note: I'm watching my own writing with a bit of trepidation. I might end up wiping this story out and starting over on it. Who knows? And on Mary's accent. I know it's strange but I wanted her to be grandmotherly and so I used my Grandmother who was Irish and she had this amazing mix between American and Irish and I don't remember much about her but I remember her voice. 

Do Review

__

Secret Life

Chapter 3: Looking in

~*~

__

The leaves have turned and she has known

And she tells me she can't let him go

And she looks to the moon for answers

And she looks inside and she knows

She dresses by the window

Finds reflection in the pane

She looks towards the winter

And her hair falls around her like rain

She's sighing with September

She would like to run and hide

She's wrapped up in confusion

She unfolds like paper dolls 

But she's flying as she falls

The birds have gone and she has known

For she follows the arc of their flight

And the softness has gone from the daylight

And she shadows have grown into night

Soon will come cool October

It will rise all around her like fire

And she gathers her courage like harvest

And she gathers her thoughts and desires

_~ Heather Nova, "Flying as she falls"_

~*~

Max stared into the face in the mirror with eye narrowed as though all the answers lay in those wide chocolate brown eyes. A shaking hand raised to her cheek and she almost jumped when another hand lifted to touch that other girl's face. She shook herself slightly, a half smile lifting one side of her lips, "so much for sanity," she said softly to herself. 

"Do you miss him too?" The girl facing her didn't answer back just stared silently with sad eyes. Max suddenly felt tired as her knees turned to jello and she slowly lowered herself to the cracked tile of the bathroom floor. With shaking hands she pushed herself back until she rested against the crumbling mint green wall and stared dispassionately at the sink's tubing.

"I miss him," she admitted to her hands. It had been five months, that night, that she had held her brother in her arms, as he had cried about failing to protect his family. He was gone now leaving a hole in the middle of a heart she couldn't lay claim on. His heart, resting in her chest. He had given it to keep her alive and he cried about failing her. She wanted to weep now, remembering the weight of him, the warmth of his body against hers.

She had pushed him to the back of her mind for months now, forcing down regrets that maybe she had made the wrong choice. Today was different, though, today she could have sworn she heard his voice drifting on the cold Seattle air, for a second, and it had thrown her so badly she couldn't even answer one of Alec's snappy comments.

A beautiful face danced behind her eyes, with blond hair hanging down in front of pleading blue eyes. She had the sense that if she reached out she could touch that smooth skin.

"Boo, you ok in there?" Original Cindy's voice drifted through the door quietly.

It was a long time before Max could get her throat to work; "I'm cool."

"Mm hmm, Original Cindy believe ya." Cindy opened the door slowly and poked her head into the bathroom. "Yup. Original Cindy knows she sits in the bathroom by herself when she's cool."

Max managed a strained chuckle as she looked up at her friend, "you should try it sometime, clears your head, promise."

"Uh huh," Cindy's smile was disbelieving as she sat down next to her, "lay it on Original Cindy, girl."

"I'm cool, really. I just got some issues I gotta work out, you know how it is." She pursed her lips slightly looking at Cindy wit round eyes, doing her best to sound convincing.

"Is Logan giving you trouble again. Original Cindy'll kick his ass for ya."

"Nah, we aren't doing great or anything, but it's not really his fault." She couldn't look Cindy in the eye now.

"Whose fault is it, boo?" Cindy asked softly leaning down to look at Max's face.

"I think it might be mine," she muttered and smiled down at her hands, trying to figure out how to explain the chaos in her head. "I keep pushing him away and I'm starting to wonder if it actually has anything to do with the virus."

"What's up, girl, you got a new man in your life?" Cindy smiled softly at her, and brushed a strand of hair off of Max's forehead.

"No, no one new," she almost whispered the words as she finally looked at her friend. "I don't know what's up. I wish I did."

"Just remember, Original Cindy's here whenever you need her."

"I know."

"We goin' to Crash tonight when you're done poutin'?"

"I'm not pouting!"

"Sure you ain't, boo, sure you ain't." She stood up smiling down at Max and held a hand out to help her up. "Come on, the public awaits." Max took her hand with a slap and with one final look in the mirror she followed Cindy out of the bathroom.


	4. Just a glimpse

Disclaimer: No DA character is mine…the story however is.

Author's Note: Howdy, all. I'm really sick and feeling like total crap. Feel sorry for me. But I have used my pain to push myself into writing more. I keep telling myself that so I won't pout too much over being sick. What can I say? I'm a pessimist trying desperately to be an optimist. It sort of works. Anyways, here's your new chapter. Enjoy!

Be kind, review!

Secret Life

Chapter 4: Just a glimpse

__

~*~

Haven't we met?

You're some kind of beautiful stranger

You could be good for me

I've had the taste for danger

If I'm smart then I'll run away

But I'm not so I guess I'll stay

Heaven forbid

I'll take my chances on a beautiful stranger

I looked into your eyes 

And my world came tumbling down

You're the devil in disguise

That's why I'm singing this song

To know you is to love you

You're everywhere I go

And everybody knows

To love you is to be part of you

I've paid for you with tears

And swallowed all my pride.

~ Madonna, "Beautiful Stranger"

~*~

Adam was pacing, in the hotel room that Mary and Buddy had gotten for him, too keyed up to actually sit down or even attempt sleeping. Nights always seemed to be bad for him; something about it supercharged him. Made him want to run wild and prowl. It made him want to hop on a motorcycle and ride. He didn't have a motorcycle, and as far as he knew he never had, but none the less, it was a motorcycle he wanted to ride. His love of the night created a problem for him when he was on the farm, having to get up with the crack of dawn wasn't exactly conducive to a nightlife. He managed, however, his body requiring less sleep than he knew was normal. 

Now he wanted to get out, stretch his legs, and explore the city that buzzed around him. It was a city; there had to be someplace he could go and blow off some steam. So he left a quick note on his door incase anyone came looking for him, pulled on his black leather coat and was walking through the dark streets before he could change his mind. 

After an hour and a half of walking aimlessly his feet took him to a crumbling building that had light pouring from the door as well as loud music. Letting his blue eyes rest on the door for a minute he quickly made up his mind, passing under the sign that labeled this place "Crash" he had to hold back a wince as the music assaulted his ears. People filled the room, more than he was used to, and he was overwhelmed for a second as he tried to get his bearings. 

With an easy stride he slid up to the bar and motioned for a drink. He turned to lean against the bar while he waited and took in the unfamiliar site of so many bodies compacted into one room. He watched with curiosity as a woman sauntered towards him smiling mischievously. She had slanted green eyes and dark black hair that hung around her shoulders in disarray, her body was curved and a tattoo of a green mushroom stood out garishly on her arm. "Hi there," she said huskily as she tried to move seductively onto the stool next to him, succeeding only in not falling over.

"Hi," he answered awkwardly. Trying not to make eye contact as he waited for his beer to show up. He had the feeling that once he would have looked the woman in the eye and blatantly told her he was off limits, but that was not now. He found himself floundering trying to figure out a way to just walk away.

"I haven't seen you around here before," she went on, trying to catch his eyes as he turned to look at the slick wood of the bar.

"I'm from out of town," he answered clearing his throat softly and silently thanking the bartender when he finally brought his beer. "I'm gonna go play some pool." He said lamely as he slipped away.

"Good luck," she called after him, leaving him with the impression she wished no such thing. He found himself watching his feet as he made his way to the pool table, dodging bodies that weren't as aware of their surroundings as he was. 

When he made it to the pool tables he saw one table being dominated by a man with dusty blonde hair, blue eyes, and an air of confidence that left many hesitant to play him, with narrowed eyes Adam had the feeling he'd seen him before. That afternoon he'd seen talking to the bike messenger woman. Alec, he thought before turning away. Another table, next to that one, seemed like easier pickings with a man with a medium build and messy brown hair laughing quietly with his opponent.

Adam nodded his head quietly when a new opponent was called for and he held out a fifty to indicate he could pay the normal wager and sat back as the man set up the table. "I'm Rich, by the way," he called with an easy smile.

"Adam," he grunted back waiting for Rich to break. A ball with a red strip went in easily and Adam let a shy smile come out as he sipped at his beer. The next shot was a miss and it was Adam's turn.

He let his eyes rove over the table, the noise of the club disappearing into a haze as he found the shot that would work best. With confidence that usually escaped him he took aim and watched as a ball slipped easily into a corner pocket. The next shot had two balls rolling into their own pockets. The table had become a puzzle of lines that he could easily unravel and he did with a single-minded determination that didn't leave him room to notice the crowd that had formed around the table.

He missed a shot with two balls remaining on the table and sat back still too immersed in the game to acknowledge the appreciative slaps on his back. When his turn came again the two balls went in followed by the eight ball and it was only then that he noticed the people watching him. He shifted uneasily on his feet as Rich slapped a fifty into his hand and nodded his acceptance to the next man who wanted to play him.

A fifty was waved in the air and with Adam breaking the outcome of the game was decided on his second turn. For a second his eyes met with wide brown ones that floated around Alec's table, but before recognition could spark in them he was turned around for another match. He had had five beers and had won four hundred dollars before he had decided to call it a night. As he was shrugging on his coat he caught sight of long brown hair falling around small shoulders and he froze in his tracks just as they disappeared again into the crowd.

Max was standing next to Original Cindy watching as Alec charmed his way into game after game though most of the clubs patrons knew better. She had started to get curious about the crowd forming next to her and had started to see what match was so interesting when Alec had called out to her for a game. She saw startling blue eyes and a halo of gold just as she was turning to refuse his offer snidely. It took a minute for her to realize who those eyes reminded her of. 

She was turning again desperately searching for the head of gold hair but couldn't see past the crowd. With a shrug she gave up wondering if it was just longing that had her seeing her brother everywhere.

"Max!" Alec's voice cut through her thoughts quickly.

"What?" She put a hand on her hip and tried to look annoyed.

"I was gonna offer to buy you and O.C. some beer, but if you're going to act like that, you can buy your own."

"She didn't mean nothin' by it, Suga'." Cindy slipped in quickly smiling winningly at the mention of free beer. "Feel free to buy some refreshment for the common folk." 

"Yeah, Alec, I didn't mean nothin' by it." Max simpered, before rolling her eyes at him.

He smirked at them before rolling his eyes heavenward. "What I put up with," he muttered but headed for the bar anyway. 

Cindy turned to Max with a chuckle, "you really are mean to that boy."

"He asks for it," she laughed following him with her eyes for a little ways before turning to her friend her face falling momentarily. "I think I'm losing my mind," she said looking Cindy right in the eye.

"What makes you think that, boo?" Cindy raised one dark eyebrow in question as she turned her full attention on to Max.

"I keep seeing…this is crazy." 

"What is?"

"I keep seeing Zack…out of the corner of my eye. Whenever I turn around he isn't there." She shrugged widening her eyes for quiet emphasis; "I'm loosing it."

"Original Cindy don't think you're going crazy, girl."

"But I'm seeing him everywhere!" 

"You're missing him. He's your boy, of course you're goin' to miss 'im." Cindy fixed Max with a glare. "You ain't goin' crazy, k?"

"It's just…"

"Trust O.C. has she ever steered you wrong?"

Max rolled her eyes up and scrunched her face trying to look like she was thinking. Cindy play slapped her shoulder and she grinned back at her. "Not recently." She looked around for Alec and saw the back of a man with bright blond hair shrugging into a leather jacket and forgot to breathe for a split second.

Cindy grabbed her shoulder and turned her to face her, "Max?"

Max turned in Cindy's hands and looked where the head had been but saw no one, "Just another hallucination," she said weakly.


	5. If I can't see

Disclaimer: I would own Zack and Alec in a heartbeat, if I could, make no mistake about that. I don't though, so no girls need to come beating down my door to "borrow" them from me. Oh yeah, I don't own any of the other character either.

Author's Note: Hello, people. I'm not feelin' much love on the reviews. I'm starting to wonder if you people love me anymore. Maybe you just don't love Zack. Look at the poor guy though ::puppy dog eyes:: he's had a hard life. He deserves some lovin' and since I can't give it to him I'm gonna make Max give it to him. Come show our lovable Zackie-poo some support!

Review, so I have the inspiration to give him some good lovin'

Secret Life

Chapter 5: If I can't see

~*~

__

I want to know you

but your personality and mind

are not the things I want to try.

And I cannot control you 

'cause no matter how I try

our conversations aren't defined

and I say,

How does it feel,

when you know that I am watching?

How does it feel,

when you know that I am there?

Why do you think you can hide from your mistakes?

Whatever babe, whatever baby

I will see your face again

I followed you a lifetime baby.

You could never hide from me.

I close my eyes and fantasize 

about you right in front of me 

and when I'm satisfied

I wake up and realize

that everything you've done to me

was only in my mind

_~ not too sure_

~*~

"I want a dozen apples to go with that," the woman paused smiling at Bud sweetly, "and the young man with the blond hair, do you think I could buy him too?"

This snapped Adam out of the trance he had been in, silently filling her order. He looked up quickly his mouth hanging open for a second before it shut with a click of teeth when Bud slapped him on the shoulder fondly. "Sorry, Miss, but he's just too good a worker to give up." The grin stretching Bud's lips could easily be called impish on anyone else.

She shrugged her shoulders, affecting nonchalance, "pity, he looks just as tasty as your apples." With that she picked up her bags and left the market making sure to sway her hips invitingly.

Bud turned to Adam with a laugh, "if we were willing to sell you we could make a pretty penny. That's the fourth woman to make an offer for you this morning!" He slapped a hand down on his knee.

"Don't forget the two gentlemen that were askin' after 'im," Mary said sweetly, cackling softly when she saw both men grimace.

"I never got this reaction on the farm," Adam sighed slumping in his chair unhappily.

"They got manners there, m'boy." Mary patted him on the back before smiling again. "I'd offer ta let ya go off by yourself, but I'm afraid ya might get mauled." She laughed when his eyes lit up. "I take it, you're willin' ta take the chance?"

"I can't take another offer for my body," he grumbled down at his folded hands softly. 

"Then go!" Bud said, nodding his head at another farmer in the booth next to theirs. 

Adam made to get up but stopped half way out of his chair and looked at Mary and Bud thoughtfully. Mary tilted her head, urging him on. "I realize I'm…attractive, I guess, but what's the big deal?" He gave them a shy smile knowing that this was just one more thing he could never really understand.

Bud wheezed out a laugh and threw up his hands in supplication letting Mary deal with the question. "Ya make 'em think of bed sport," she said simply trying not to laugh at his suddenly red face. 

Shaking his head he headed out of the market, sidestepping warm bodies with practiced ease, and breathed a sigh of relief when cool air hit his face. Too many people with hard curious eyes made him nervous. He looked down at his hands for a moment in contemplation, good strong hands but hardly worth so much fuss. Made beautiful. The thought struck him suddenly as he fisted his hands infront of him. His eyes narrowed in confusion, not fully understanding how such a thing had come to him. 

Shaking his head again he took off down the Seattle streets for the second time, looking for a place to eat that wasn't too crowded. He was determined to eat in peace without some woman coming up to him. Adam had a healthy appreciation for the female form, make no mistake, but he hadn't pursued female companionship since he had come back to the farm. If asked he wouldn't be able to put his finger on just why, except for the fact that every woman he had laid eyes on had just not seemed right. Beauty was inconsequential but he knew a woman was out there with wide chocolate brown eyes, long silky brown hair, and beauty that couldn't be rivaled. What woman had a chance against the knowledge that perfection was out there, in the world, just waiting for him to find it?

Pointedly ignoring any looks sent his way he kept his eyes toward the ground, and his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. Shoes were very interesting when you didn't want to make eye contact, he thought idly before he looked up and his world came crashing down.

~*~

Max was about ready to claw off her skin, it was lunchtime and she didn't want to spend her time around JamPony. Too much was going on in her head to deal with the noise and the pointed looks of her friends. For some strange reason Alec had decided to follow her like usual.

She sent a glare in his direction and he just smirked as he took a bite out of and apple that they had picked up at the farmers market. "Why do you always follow me around?" She bit out suddenly.

"You're always getting into trouble, you're more fun than a soap opera," he chuckled. She didn't stop glaring at him. "C'me on, Max! I can't be that bad! Yes, I've made a couple mistakes 

"A couple? Alec…"

"…but I've bailed you out of a couple bad situations, too. You gotta admit it."

Her face softened alittle as she saw the sweet smile on his face, "ok, so maybe you aren't the most annoying person I've ever met, and you've helped me couple of times…but that doesn't mean I have to like you!"

He held up his hands in surrender and smiled, "I never said it did." They both laughed uneasily, Alec shifting from foot to foot and Max shrugging her shoulders to loosen then up. Max shook her head rolling her eyes heavenward before motioning him to follow her through another isle. "So what are we looking for?" He asked giving a flirtatious grin to a farmer's daughter, who simpered.

Max grabbed his arm and dragged him away from the booth scanning the area for what she had come for. Then the sound of clucking caught her attention and her grin was wide and predatory. "Dinner." 

"Dinner?" Alec's eyebrows raised skeptically. "Why did you come here for dinner?"

"I want to make dinner tonight. I'm thinking chicken." She slid up to the booth that had four nice looking specimens and bent down to look them over the grin still in place.

"You're gonna cook a live chicken?" He looked like he was about to relocate his stomach.

She straightened quickly looking offended. "I'm gonna kill it first, of course." She looked at the man sitting behind the table watching them with raised eyebrows. "I want this chicken." She pointed at one of the cages emotionlessly and held up some money when he opened his mouth to say something.

"Yes, ma'am," was all he said as he took the money from her and handed a cage over. 

Alec took it and looked at the chicken who was eyeing him suspiciously. "Don't look at me like that," he said testily, "I'm not the one who wants to eat you."

"Stop talking to my dinner," Max snapped as she turned to leave the market. 

Alec followed but was still matching the chicken stare for stare, they regarded each other seriously. Pursing his lips Alec caught up to walk in step with Max and held the cage up for her to see, "I think it's the cat DNA."

"What is?" Two black eyebrows rose to furrow her brow.

"Now that I look at 'im, he's starting to look more and more like dinner." Alec's grin matched Max's with its predatory glint. He caught her eye and twitched his eyebrows suggestively.

She laughed and turned to him, "well, if you behave, I might consider sharing with you. O.C. always looks at me strange when I bring home a chicken, I don't think she likes it much when I snap their necks."

"She wouldn't," he laughed before handing the cage over to Max to let her carry it back to her place.

She was paying more attention to her prospective meal then her surroundings and ran right into a very hard, very large body. Arms snaked around her body, instinctively capturing her waist, so she wouldn't fall. Distantly, she wondered how someone managed to do such a good impression of a moving brick wall.

"Are you ok?" A warm voice asked as her world stopped spinning. She knew that voice, she thought. Oh, God, she knew that voice. She glanced over at Alec and the speechless, open-mouthed look on his face confirmed her fears. "I think you dropped your chicken," the voice went on slowly as though he was trying to remember something. He had just seen her hair so far, felt her body pressed against his and the sensation was enough to jolt ten thousand volts of electricity through his body. 

When she finally looked up what she first saw was his lips; soft, pink, full, and curved ever so slightly into a bemused smile that she thought she had seen only once before. It had been so rare, she thought without realizing it, to see anything resembling a smile on lips like those. With a hard swallow she forced her eyes to lift the rest of the way to meet bottomless blue eyes. Eyes that she had dreamt about countless times, eyes that she had missed seeing so badly it had become a constant ache in her chest, eyes that no morning sky could hold a candle to.

And as deep brown met even deeper blue a spark fired in those depths, a spark bright enough that even Max saw it light. "I know you," those lips whispered, incredulously.

"No. No you don't," she whimpered pulling back only to find a grip of iron holding onto her upper arm.

"I know you."


	6. Painful awakening

**__**

Happy Birthday to me!

Disclaimer: Dark Angel isn't mine and the characters aren't mine either, I just borrow them for my own amusement now and then.

Author's note: Miss me? Life has been very hectic lately, I have a ten to twelve paged (minimum) paper due the same day as a five-seven paged paper. Can we say fun? I thought not. So here's the dealio, this chapter scared me, a lot. I'm sitting here still not knowing if I did any justice at all to it. I hope so, though I'm doubtful. Tell me if I should change it keep it this way or just plain ignore it and go on with the story.

Review, and tell me "happy birthday" dammit!

Secret Life

Chapter 6: Painful awakening

~*~

__

I'm so tired,

but I can't sleep,

standing on the edge 

of something much too deep. 

Funny how I feel so much 

but cannot say a word, 

we are screaming inside 

Oh...but we can't be heard.

I will remember you.

Will you remember me? 

Don't let your life pass you by 

Weep not for the memories. 

So afraid to love you, 

more afraid to lose, 

clinging to a past 

that doesn't let me choose. 

But once there was a darkness,

a deep and endless night,

gave me everything you had.

Oh...you gave me light. 

~ Sara McLachlan, "I will remember you."

~*~

"I know you," he said again, his eyes wide and pleading. Max didn't know what to do, she stood frozen in his grip shaking her head slowly. "I do. I remember your eyes."

"You can't remember me, you don't know me." She whispered her voice sounding thick and unsure. She didn't know whether she was going to cry or scream. What was Alec doing just standing there?

__

A small form slipping into his bed, shaking slightly, head shaven and dressed in a hospital gown. Even in the dark he can see her perfectly as she turns wide brown eyes on him. 

Instinctively he wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her closer to him without a sound, knowing without knowing how that she is his to protect. 

"I've had dreams about you."

"Great pick up line," she bit out finally regaining some of her senses but still not moving.

"A little girl, with your eyes, huddled in my bed with me when I was nine. I don't remember being nine, but I remember you. I know you," his other hand came up to touch her cheek. She could feel her eyes flutter shut and she turned her face into his palm without thinking. "You know me." He said finally sure of himself stepping in closer to her.

__

The same girl, older now, smiling shyly up at him as she rubs at his newly shaven head. He smiles down at her, returning the gesture, before motioning her to follow the other children filing into the large barracks.

Her eyes flew open and she looked up at him, her mouth flapping for what felt like a long time. She pulled her face roughly away from his hand, and tugged at her arm. "I have no idea what you're talking about. You're just some complete stranger harassing me on the street"

"Don't lie to me!" He spit out not letting go of her arm; he didn't know what to do. There were too many memories too many pictures that he didn't understand, that didn't make sense. 

__

He could hear dogs barking, angry and loud. The trees were a blur as he ran a gun clutched to his chest and four children at his heels. He glanced back to make sure that they remained in formation. Escape and evade. The words echoed in his head as he turned back around. 

He brought his hand up and motioned for them to drop to the ground. He could feel the small body slither up next to him and knew without looking who it would be that lay closely to his elbow. He glanced over anyway and was greeted by the soft innocent eyes of an eight-year-old watching him steadily waiting for his next command. 

He could hear the soft unhurried breaths of the other children lying around him and waited for the moment to get up and run again. He turned his head to look over at a small boy with small blue eyes and hair that would have been blond if it was allowed to grow out. The boy nodded jerkily letting a smile slip past his lips. He gave the sign and they were up and running again.

She tried to give him an attitude but it came out weak, "I got no reason to lie to a stranger."

"I'm not a stranger," he said quietly his eyes boring into hers. He knew that much, he knew that this woman standing infront of him was anything but a stranger. "You know me, tell me," Adam pleaded looking Max straight in the eye, his jaw clenching softly when he saw the sheen of tears barely contained in them. "Why won't you tell me?" 

"I can't…" she sobbed having finally managed to wrench her hand out of his grasp, leaving him gapping at her. She backed up until her back was touching Alec's chest. "I can't, I'm sorry. I don't know you."

"Please…Max." The name fell from his lips before he had even realized that he had known it. Max, all along that name had been hidden just beneath the surface of memory waiting for him to find it. 

She was breathing heavily now, looking at him as though the world was just about to come crumbling down and he had to stop himself from telling her it already had. "I have to go, I have work to do."

"Max," Alec started softly but she pulled away from him too and grabbing her chicken with one hand took off down the street. "Max!" He went to follow her but one look at Adam/Zack stopped him. He was leaning over clutching at his head his face screwed up in pain. 

A boy sitting cross legged on a bed, speaking in a low voice to the children leaning in with wide eyes. His own small voice echoing, "Well, what do the Nomlies do with you?"

And the boy turned to him a smile playing on his lips; "They keep you as prisoner of war and eat you up, little by little, forever."

"I remember you too," he moaned looking up at Alec, "but you aren't you. I don't understand."

__

Girls giggling softly, hands covering their mouths to muffle the unusual sound, as the same boy makes faces at them while he creates shadow puppets on the wall. Turning to him with a wide smile proud of his accomplishment. Practically beaming when he won a smile from him.

Looking at the man Alec couldn't help but take pity on him. He slid up next to Adam and helped support his weight, mummering "it's all right, let's get you to your place."

"Why won't she tell me?" He asked looking dangerously close to collapsing, as though Max's denial of him had stolen a piece of his soul. "I remember her."

"I know, man." Alec grimaced at the street infront of him, not too sure what he should be doing. "Why…why don't you direct us toward where you're stayin' and tell me exactly what it is that you remember."

"Why?"

"It might help." 

"I don't want to go to the hotel," he said petulantly pulling back to support his own weight. 

"Then I'll take you to my apartment, that sound better?" Alec refused to get annoyed, he realized that Adam/Zack, whoever he was, was lashing out in confusion and very likely fear. The thought of the strong man that Max had told him about being afraid had chills going down Alec's back. At Adam's mute nod Alec motioned for him to follow.

"You have the wrong barcode…" Adam said quietly and then shook his head, "why do you have a barcode?"

"I have the right barcode, you're remembering someone else. Haven't noticed your own barcode, Za-Adam?" One eyebrow rose to almost kiss his hairline as he turned to look at the other man as they walked along the street. Silently cursing his slip.

"I have a barcode?" Adam's hand shot up to feel the back of his neck, not that he could actually feel anything but, for a moment, he imagined that he could. "Why do I have a barcode? Why do I keep remembering being in the military."

__

He could feel his body being shaken, small nimble fingers pulling at his arms and legs. He was awake instantly but he didn't move wanting them to think he was asleep. In the end the smile pulling at the corner of his lips gave him away. "Stop that," a boy's voice said quietly and another movement had his body shaking harder.

He finally opened his eyes to see five heads peeking over the edge of his bed, "What is it?"

"We couldn't sleep," came Max's soft velvety voice. 

"You and Jondy can never sleep," he grumbled quietly, but lifted his covers to let three bodies pile around him in the bed. "Why couldn't the rest of you sleep?"

A small Asian girl blinked black eyes up at him before looking down at her hands, "Ben's stories scared us." A barcode stood out on her neck when she turned to look at Krit for assurance.

"Brin…" He said softly before gingerly wrapping arms around them to pull them so they could all huddle in closer to him. He felt the small body of Max curl up against his side and Brin letting her head rest on his shoulder, he looked over at the two boys shifting uneasily next to the bed. "Come on Zane, Krit, you can come up too." The bed shifted under him as the larger frame of Zane curled up on his feet and Krit squeezed in next to Brin. Lifting his head he could see Jondy lay her head on Zane's arm, her large blue eyes fluttering softly as she nestled in closer. 

"Ya kind of were." Alec sighed turning back around to look down at his feet; "I don't really know what I'm supposed to tell you, what I'm allowed to tell you."

"Why wouldn't you be allowed to tell me? I woke up in a hospital five months ago not knowing anything, with the sense that I didn't fit, with dreams and flashes of pictures confirming it." He reached over to grab Alec's sleeve and turned him around, "I'm finally getting the chance to fix my life how it's supposed to be and you're trying to tell me you aren't allowed to help?"

Alec's jaw clenched tightly, pulling his arm out of Adam's grasp he started to walk again, "bad shit happens when I stick my nose into places that it doesn't belong." He explained quietly. "I gotta talk to some…people before I start telling you stuff that may or may not be true. Max would kill me if I botched this particular thing up."

"Max," Adam breathed the word closing his eyes for a second. Seeing the brown eyes of dreams. 

__

The roar of motorcycle engines ringing in his ears as he speeds down the street, going fast enough that a normal human would have never had the chance to keep up. Next to him matching him in speed and daring, a woman hunched over her handle bars brown hair blowing out behind her as she looks over at him a wide mischievous smile splitting her face. The child grown into a woman and so close he could almost touch her, and he wanted to so badly he could practically taste it. 

Power surrounds him, adrenaline running in his veins, six hundred ccs of raw power vibrates between his legs, and she is next to him. He could conquer the world, if only she knew that it was him riding next to her. A helmet hid his face, not that she would recognize him anyway but it would ruin his plans.

"Max," he knows her name and he remembers the feel of it on his lips from another time that still is shrouded with mist, but he remembers. "What's your name?"

"Alec." Is the soft reply, "the person whose barcode you think I should have was my twin, Ben." He looks over at Adam with hard eyes; "he's dead."

"I'm sorry…"

"I never met the guy…I should tell you sorry, you were more of a brother to him than I was."

"I was?" The only reply was a stiff nod. "He told stories," Adam said under his breath, so quietly he was sure no one would be able to hear him.

"So I'm told…"

"Told?" He shot a sharp glance at Alec's back, a thought forming in his mind.

"I wasn't there myself. Told you I never met the guy." Alec shrugged turning down an alley. 

"Why won't Max help me," he still caressed the name unconsciously, a precious jewel in its own right.

"She's afraid people are going to get hurt."

"Why?"

"In her life everyone gets hurt one way or another. She thinks she can do something about it." 

"Am I one of the people that have been hurt before?" Adam asked as he followed Alec enter an apartment building, he slanted a look at him waiting to see if he would answer.

Alec snorted as he slipped a key into his lock and opened the door. "You're trying to trick me."

"I already know that she knew me, and that you know me, what does it hurt to answer me?"

"Yes, you got hurt." Alec answered throwing a glare in his direction. "And you almost hurt someone else."

"Who?"

Alec just looked at him for a long time until Adam grimaced realizing that he had no intention of answering his question. "You can hang here if you want, I have to get back to work. I'm the golden boy but Normal will still yell at me."

"Thanks," he said quietly as he sat down on his couch slowly, not sure what to do with himself.

"Least I could do." He was already heading out the door, and Adam waited for it to click shut before he got up and paced the small living room


	7. A talkin' to

Disclaimer: Duh.

Author's Note: thanks to you who wished me happy birthday…to those of you who didn't. : -P that's what I think about that. This was almost impossible to write cuz not only did I have to finish those two papers I sat looking at this empty screen and was over come with terror cuz I couldn't think for the life of me what was supposed to come next. I know where I want it to go, I even have a couple scenes already written out waiting to be put in for your viewing, when the time comes. But I keep not knowing how to get there. I'm afraid that I might have put Alec and Max's talk too early but I'm think it'll set the stage for when she meets up with Zackie-poo again. I don't know. Grr I'm supposed to know these things. Give me your thoughts. Give them to me. Make me ohh and ahh over your wonderful insights. 

Review, it's the only thing to do.

Secret Life

Chapter 7: A talkin' to

~*~

__

How could I stay?

How could I breathe?

There had to be more for me

Promises gone

Plastic and stone

I'm doing fine all alone

So you're having a breakdown

So you're losing the fight

So you're having a breakdown

And I'm driving and crying

Unraveled and flying

I'm coming to your breakdown tonight

I cannot run

I cannot hide

It came with me locked inside

The bough will break

Cradle will fall 

It only takes one call

~ Melissa Etheridge, "Breakdown"

~*~

__

He could hear heavy breathing, the sound of fear faint in the cool night air, but there was little he couldn't hear. He sat up in his bed and searched for the source of the sound, his blue eyes scanning the still, small bodies of his unit. As he suspected Max lay shaking on her bed curled into a tight ball, Jondy holding her hand silently.

He slipped out of bed, ignoring the feeling of cold tiles against his bare feet and was sitting on the bed next to them before they had realized he had gotten up. With a soft hand he brushed at Max's forehead to draw her attention. Wide brown eyes were turned on him, silent and filled with emotions. He covered both hers and Jondy's hand with his own watching as they looked at him. "I'm scared, Zack." Max said in that velvety voice of hers marred by the tremor that ran through it.

He froze, "Zack," he whispered the name. "Zack…not Adam." It felt…right; old and worn and comforting in it's familiarity. He had given up his pacing at Alec's and had decided he should pace in Mary and Buddy's room. He had picked the lock, since he didn't have a key, wondering where he had picked up the knowledge, and waited for them. They had to know at least a little of what was happening, how could they not?

He heard the door opening and the soft voice of Mary, mummering about sales to Buddy. He turned to face them his back straighter than it had been in five months. "Well, we thought ya had abandoned us all together, Adam," she started with a smile.

"Zack," he said watching their faces for their reaction to the revelation. Both froze mid-step and paled.

"What was that, boy?" Buddy asked quietly.

"My name, it's Zack not Adam. Isn't it?" His jaw clenched tightly as he saw Mary sink onto the bed her eyes to the ground. "Isn't it?"

"Yes," she said to her wringing hands. "Ya've remembered."

"Not all of it," he bit his lip sagging slightly against the hotel wall. "You gonna tell me what you know?" 

Mary looked at Bud, taking his and Zack watched as he squeezed slightly, reassuringly. "Ya got hurt…" she started still unable to meet his eyes. "We weren't told the specifics, just that it'd been bad…ya lost your memory and…we were supposed ta take ya in and take care of ya" She smiled at him then, "they told us ya were special and we needed ta watch out for ya."

"Special?"

"Special." Bud said gruffly, "you know it as well as we do, you're stronger and smarter and faster. Special."

"I'm a freak," he whispered into his hands.

Mary stood up then and walked over to him placing a hand gingerly on his arm, "ya aren't a freak. Ya're just different, no harm in that, m'boy." 

"Anything else?" Zack bit his lip avoiding her gaze knowing that once he would have been able to look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry…Zack." She said the name hesitantly, almost afraid that he would recoil at the sound of his real name spoken out loud by someone else.

"Who told you to take me in?"

"A good man looking out for a female friend of his," Bud supplied nodding his head as though he had to agree with himself. 

"Female friend?" Zack's head snapped up and his blue eyes bore into Bud's. "What'd she look like?"

"Pretty: dark hair, dark skin, small." 

"Max." Zack sagged again, his mind running a mile a minute. "I have to go." He said only half-paying attention as he walked out of the room, Bud and Mary only watching him worriedly.

~*~

"I wasn't hallucinating!" Max spit out slamming her locker shut. She turned to Original Cindy with her arms crossed and her lips tight. 

"Whatdya mean, boo?" Cindy leaned up against her own locker and stared her friend down.

"Zack…he's in Seattle. And he remembers me!"

"Doesn't that mean he'll remember Logan?" One dark eyebrow raised and she could feel uneasiness rise with it.

"In theory. Maybe if he never sees Logan that won't be a problem, or…I don't know." She practically keeled pulling on a lock of hair in distraction.

Cindy slapped her hand, "You quite that hair pulling thing ages, boo, don't start now. Let's look at the options…"

"I don't have options! I have to avoid him."

"You don't want to though." Cindy shook her head sadly and drew pushed herself away from the locker.

"Of course I don't. I never _wanted_ him to leave in the first place. He's my brother I love him…"

"That's not why." 

"Why then?" Max's head snapped to the side and she watched Cindy smile in understanding.

"Original Cindy's got eyes, boo, she know what her homegirl looks like when she trippin' over a boy."

"I'm not trippin' over Zack!" Max practically screamed and winced when she heard Alec chuckling from behind her.

"Really? Never would have guessed," he said with a smirk as he came to lean next to Cindy.

"Don't make me kick your ass, I really don't…no, wait, that would be a lie."

"I'm hurt…really. You've wounded me." He turned to Cindy and pretended to pout. "Max is being mean again."

"Original Cindy ain't surprised." She turned to Max with a critical eye, "just think about what Original Cindy said, aiight?"

"Fine, I'll think about it. Don't hold your breath." She smiled before turning on Alec. "What do you want?"

"I took Zack, Adam…whatever you wanna call him, back to my apartment earlier."

"And what happened?" Her eyes grew wide as her mind filled with countless images of ways that Alec could have screwed things up.

Alec put on an expression of mock hurt and held a hand to his chest. "Nothing, what do you think I am? Cheap? I barely even know the man, he never even bought me dinner."

"Alec…" she took one step towards him, her fists balling dangerously.

"Nothing!" He held his hands up in surrender. "I thought leaving him in the middle of the market while he was having a breakdown would have drawn attention or something. I thought my apartment would be safer, don't want you whining about that too." He smirked and cocked his head to the side as he looked down at her. "I didn't tell him much. I just answered a couple questions, nothing serious."

"Is he ok?" she asked after a long time. She wouldn't meet Alec's eyes and bit her lip anxiously. 

"He's going insane…I'd say he's wonderful, but I'd be lying." 

He started to walk off but she grabbed his arm. "Thanks…for taking care of him." she choked out, disliking the words on her tongue especially directed at Alec.

He looked down at her with serious blue eyes and shrugged, "how many times have I had to listen to stories about the heroic Zack?" He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes heavenward, a gesture that in any other circumstance might have made Max laugh. "Come back to my place, blow off some steam, and you'll be able to think about all this better."

She silently cursed and considered her options. She could go to her apartment and be alone, not something she really wanted to do at that moment. She could take her 'cycle out and clear her head, she'd still be alone. She could go to Logan's and talk to him, but she didn't want to see him especially when Zack was involved, or she could take Alec up on his offer vent her frustration out on him, always a fun past time, and not have to be alone. She nodded assent and followed him to his bike, her own by her side.

The ride to his place seemed to take forever and Max was left wondering how a car hadn't hit her in her distracted state. When the building finally loomed over them she paused apprehension filling her suddenly. Alec looked at her and guessing what was on her mind smiled, "he'll be gone."

"How do you know?"

"He'll want to find someone to answer questions, and my apartment isn't the best place for that. Either that or he'll want somewhere to think that's open."

"Yeah, probably." She shut her eyes slowly and took a deep breath before following him up to his apartment. 

She was inside and pacing within moments. She barely gave him time to offer her something to drink before she was wearing a line in the floor. Trying not to grin he started running water in his sink and throwing in dishes and soap. She didn't talk for a long time and he waited patiently for the flood to begin. When it did she was almost unaware of the fact that she was even talking.

"I can't go through losing him again," she crossed her arms but didn't pause in her pacing. "I've lost him so many times, and I don't know if I can handle it again. Why did he have to show up now, of all times? Now I have to lose him again, I have to avoid him like the plague so he won't remember anything else…" she went on and words started to bleed together and Alec found himself wondering when the ability to breath would become an issue. When she started to repeat herself he started to get frustrated, and then without warning she stopped talking.

Max paced quietly, fully aware of Alec's eyes on her. When she looked up at him she was surprised to see his arms crossed over his chest and his jaw clenched tightly, anger fairly seething from him. "What's your problem?" she snapped running a hand through her hair.

"Max," he took a deep breath and his tongue darted out to wet his lips, "you're an idiot."

"Excuse me?" She could feel her jaw drop in surprise.

"Exactly that," he pushed away from the kitchen counter and walked over to his sink and went back to cleaning his dishes, still talking. "You're so scared of emotion that you deny it." His eyes were hard when he looked at her. "You push away anyone that gets close, and then stand around crying that you're all alone."

"I don't think…" she jumped when he dropped a plate into the soapy water with a splash.

"There's your biggest problem, right there." Max started to worry that he was going to bend a spoon with his ministrations. "Zack is one of the most important people in your life, and you're doing nothing to keep him there."

"He would have killed Logan!"

"You could have found a way to stop that! How often has he been your savior, Max? How often?" another plate was dropped into the sink. "Once, twice, ten million?"

"What are you getting at?" She took a cautious step closer to him, curious despite herself.

"Let's think, Maxie. I know the stories, ya told me a lot of them. When you were in Manticore…how many times did he get sent to solitaire because he stood up for you guys? How many times did he let you crawl up into his not so big bed and sleep with him, knowing if they found out he would be the one punished?" Alec pointed a soapy finger at her angrily, "he broke all of you out because you were going to be taken away. He knew what would happen because you were having seizures and wouldn't let it happen."

Max stared off into the distance remembering the night of the break out. Remembering seeing the look in Zack's eyes as he watched the guard advance on them, and watching him fall to the snow having put himself in harms way so she and Jondy could make it out. Alec swallowed as he saw the far off look in her eyes, knowing full well what scene was being played out in her mind.

"He gave up every chance of a normal life that he had to protect all of you. Imagine it, Max, an eleven-year-old tracking down eleven kids scattered across the country…and finding them. Lydecker, Logan, hundreds of other men with more recourses and better chances couldn't do what he did as an _eleven_-year-old. Do you honestly think it was all out of duty?" He stared down at the sink for a long time his own memories of Manticore haunting him; a unit with no CO protecting them. "Duty only played a small part," he whispered.

"He loved us, but that's not the point," she whimpered trying to make herself small against his words.

"Yes, it is! He was your personal savior time and time again. He watched you from the shadows for years just ready to come and help you. He put his life in danger constantly to save you. Think how lonely he must have been, running from sibling to sibling bandaging scraped knees and doing whatever it took to keep them safe; never getting the chance to settle down for two days and prop up his feet." Alec threw up his hands in the air and rounded on her, "he went back to Manticore when you wouldn't leave Seattle. After telling you he would rather die than go back, he went back to save you."

She turned away from him, trying to distance herself from his words. He wouldn't let her though; leaving the dishes he advanced on her turned back. Strong hands grabbed her shoulders and bodily moved her to face him. Wide brown eyes met his bard blue ones and he almost softened, almost stopped his assault when he saw the tears glistening there. His words were quiet when he went on," He shot himself to give you a heart, to save your life. Every time you turn around he's saving your life, Max. How many times has he offered you his hand only to have it bitten off? He loves you…more than life itself and he's proved." He lifted a hand to bring her chin up so she would look at him. "You can't tell me that you don't love him back. You can't because I saw your face when you saw him in the market. Logan can't hold a candle to him. I can't hold a candle to him…no one in this world can."

Max sobbed something before falling into Alec's arms burying her face into his shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her gently, "Are you really willing to give that up again?"

"No," she whispered, her voice cracking. "But what can I do?"

"You do anything you have to, you stop at nothing to keep him. Do you realize how many chances you've had? You aren't going to get many more."

"Something will go wrong and he'll get hurt or Logan will!"

"Something always goes wrong, Max. Not because its your life, but because its life. Take a chance for once and fuck the consequences and fuck Logan. He isn't the man for you, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that just seems to be my lot in life."

"No you don't." she said testily, pouting, but didn't disagree with him about Logan. He even caught her lack of argument and for a second was dumbfounded, but he ignored it for the time being.

"So go do…something before I go crazy or something and do it for you. Now that would be gross…me going and kissing Zack."

"I'm not kissing Zack! He's my brother!"

"That's another thing, he's not. You want to give everyone a title and it doesn't always work very smoothly. He's not your brother, not by blood, and especially not now that he's part Adam."

"Part Adam?"

"Part Adam, stop arguing with me and trust me."

"Why?"

"Because, despite all the shit we've put each other through, I'm your friend, believe it or not. Granted the friend that you use as a punching bag, but your friend none the less." He smiled then, his eyes lighting up. "'Sides I have a date I have to get ready for, you're about to start cramping my style."

"I think you do that whenever you start talking," she grumbled but headed for the door.

"Once again, you wound me," he placed a hand over his heart and posed before dropping it and looking serious once more. "Stop lying to yourself and you'll do better." Then he pushed her out the door before she could reply and she found herself alone with her bike, in the hallway, staring at his door.

"I'll never understand that boy."


	8. Needin' somethin' for the pain

Disclaimer: umm Duh

Author's Note: Owww! That hurt. 

Review!

Secret Life

Chapter 8: Needin' something for the pain

~*~

__

'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks

two weeks and three days

and let's just say that things look different now

different in so many ways

cause I used to be a superhero

no one could touch me

not even myself

you are like a phone booth

that I somehow stumbled into

and now look at me

I am just like everybody else

if I was dressed in my best defenses

would you agree to meet me for coffee

if I did my tricks with smoke and mirrors

would you still know which one was me

if I was naked and screaming

on your front lawn

would you turn on the light and come down

screaming, there's the asshole

who did this to me

stripped me of my power

stripped me down

~ Ani DiFranco, "Superhero"

~*~

__

She smiled, her lips stretching slowly, as she looked up at him. He reached for her hand, his grasp strong and conveying a sense of security that she could have found no where else. "It's all right, Max," he said quietly before placing his lips gently against her forehead.

Both their eyes went wide at the new sensation. She blinked up at Zack slowly putting a hand against his lips reverently.

They hadn't known what it was then, Max thought idly, but they found out later that it was a kiss. She smiled at the memory and then shook her head. "I gotta think. I gotta breath." She kept mumbling to herself as she made her way to the space needle. It had been a while since she had been up there and she had to do something with herself, had to find a way to clear her head. The talk with Alec had confused her and left her with an eerie feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was left with the feeling that maybe he and OC had a point.

Zack…she hadn't thought of him as anything more than a brother. She snorted climbing the stairs, that was a lie. A bold-faced out-right lie. What girl in her right mind could look at Zack and not entertain some less than sisterly thoughts? So yes, she had thought of him as something more than a brother but she had never given it serious thought, not really. Had she?

There had been times, late at night, when she was more restless than usual and couldn't force herself to sleep that she had wondered what it would be like…she shook her head fiercely to dislodge the almost unwelcome thought and bit her lip uncertainly. But the idea wouldn't go away; it had been placed there that night in Logan's cabin. 

__

She watched a grown Zack sit down across from her holding a champagne class in his hands as he looked smiled gently at her. "I remember the morning of the escape getting into Cheyenne around 7:00 A.M. The streets were just starting to fill with people. Not soldiers or doctors just regular people on their way to work. It scared the hell out of me. As far as I was concerned, they were all the enemy and I was completely outnumbered." He looked down at his glass with another smile.

"I know the feeling," she said watching him closely. 

"I climbed up onto the roof of an office building in downtown to lay low just as the sun was coming up. It was my first morning as a free man. The whole world looked different." 

"It was like it was in color all of a sudden." She smiled at him, understanding completely what he was saying, something that she had never been able to do with someone else.

He let out a sad sigh before catching her eye, "I know I've been hard on you, Max but I'm just trying to keep you safe."

"I know." She couldn't look into his eyes and then she felt the soft touch of his hand on her hair, sweeping it off her forehead. That caught her attention, something sparking between them and suddenly the fire was too warm as she watched him.

"You're going to miss him, aren't you?" 

Logan, she thought, at that moment he had been the farthest thing from her mind. She looked back down at her hands, "You think that's stupid. "

He shook his head slowly, "No. A part of me wants the same things--friends... A place where I belong..." He was looking down and then his eyes raised to meet her once again, "Someone to care about." 

"Thought it was a sentimental lie." She tried to bite out but it came out softer than she intended.

"Even I have my moments of weakness." He answered softly. 

She opened the door leading to the top of the space needle the cold Seattle wind biting her face and running icy fingers through her hair. For a brief moment she smiled, letting her troubles fly with the wind but they came back quickly. With slumped shoulders she picked her way gracefully across the roof and then froze. A silhouette stood leaning precariously over the edge, and she knew who it was even before he turned around to face her. Blond hair shinning a brilliant white in the moonlight, broad shoulders held tense in rigid control. When he turned, he was memory made flesh, his jaw was clenched and his eyes were wide and uncertain.

"I'm…sorry, I didn't…realize that someone…was up here." She stumbled across the words and made to turn and leave but his soft voice stopped her suddenly.

"Please." That was all he said, but that was all he needed to say, and she turned back around to face him.

"Look, Adam…"

"Zack. I remember my own name, Max." She opened her mouth to reply but the he moved toward her his movements fluid and arresting and she saw his eyes. Glassy and half wild and she wanted to cry because she realized that he had been. Zack, the fearless leader, the stone wall of a man, had been crying. 

"Zack," she whispered and his body seemed to sag in upon itself, a tension leaving his muscles weak. His name on her lips seemed sacred for some reason, as though she was the one who gave it meaning, not him. "Zack," she said it again louder this time and taking a step towards him, "I'm sorry, if I've hurt you."

__

He could feel Buddy behind him, pushing the wheel chair slowly. He looked up to find Max sitting in a chair, in the waiting room of the hospital, reading a magazine. Something in the back of his mind nagged at him, telling him there was something familiar in her face. "Hold up." He looked at Buddy for a second before turning to her; "do I know you?"

She looked up at him, something flashing in her eyes before she smiled sadly and shook her head, "no, I don't think so."

"You didn't want me," he whispered, turning back toward the edge and let his legs drop him to sit with his feet dangling in the air. "That's obvious. You sent me away."

"No," she practically sobbed and before she knew what she was doing she had grabbed his arm and was pulling him to look at her. "No, it wasn't that. Anything but that, Zack."

__

He could see a man backing away, two old day beard turning his chin scruffy. He was angry, so angry that he didn't know exactly what he was planning on doing. And then he felt a tingle deep down and turning he saw Max crouched with an electrical wire in a puddle of water that he was standing in. Then the world went black. 

"Then what was it?" His brows drew together and his confused blue eyes met her sad brown ones. "I remember you…sending me away. You electrocuted me."

"It wasn't because I didn't want you though." She groped wildly for an explanation but she didn't even understand what was going through her head at that moment. "You were going to kill someone, and I couldn't let you."

"I was a killer?" He stared off at the distant city with vacant eyes. 

"No!" Max grabbed his chin and turned him to look at her, ignoring the current of electricity that shot up her arm. "Not a killer, you thought…wrongly, that he was going to hurt us, and you did what you thought you had to."

"Us?" Blue eyes, it was all she could think for a moment, when his eyes met hers. 

"You…and me. Some…bad things had gone down and you had thought that he was the reason…he wasn't though." Her voice cracked and she moved away form him, she almost flinched when his arm moved to grasp hers but it dropped before fingers could connect with skin. 

His face was hard when he returned to looking down at the city, "and I guess you want me to stay out of your life from now on?"

"I never wanted you out of my life," she sat down next to him, her knees folded up to her chest. "If you don't believe anything else I say believe that."

"At least you're talking to me now," he said looking down at his hands. "Not denying that you know me."

"Alec ran my head into a wall," she pouted softly.

"He did what?" Zack's eyes looked dangerous for a moment.

"Figuratively, of course, I would have so kicked that butt if it hadn't been." She laughed nervously and turned to him. He looked up at her and her breath caught. "Is that the sky in there?" she asked in a small voice.

__

Max stood in front of him, wide brown eyes shinning softly as she looked up into his blue eyes. She touched his cheeks with small delicate hands, cupping his face and pulling it down to be level with her own. "Blue," she whispered and her lips curled gently, "so blue. Is that the sky in there?"

Zack was staring at her now, the memory fresh in his eyes. "I don't know who I am," he spat out.

"You're Zack," she whispered and reached out a shaking hand to touch his arm. 

"But I'm not…" he turned away and wouldn't look at her. "I'm Zack or Adam, not anymore. I've…changed. I don't even remember everything that Zack went through. I'm supposed to protect people, and I don't even remember where these people live or how I'm supposed to find them."

She brushed a strand of blonde hair out of his eyes, "You're Zack, no matter what else you are Zack. He's the only one I know who would be worrying about finding everyone while he was having an identity crisis."

"It was my job," he said in a low voice staring at her with wide eyes.

"It was more than that."

"Help me, Max…I need you to help me." He choked out swallowing past a lump in his throat.

She bit back a sob and stood. He watched her stand and looked at her offered hand in confusion for a long time, "come on, Zack."


	9. The weight of water

Disclaimer: Me don't own Dark Angel

Author's Note: I never thought this story would be as hard to write as it is. I keep second-guessing myself. And wondering if I could do something better, the answer is yes of course. Well, I'm still sleep deprived but that's ok I guess. At least I'll be going home to Memphis on Friday. Yay, Spring Break! ::dances:: woohoo. So anyways read enjoy. Be good.

Review! 

Secret Life

Chapter 9: The weight of water

~*~

__

The way you laugh

Have you got a name for it?

Cause I don't understand it

Language is an annoying necessity

And I depend on all the regular things

Got a list tattooed on my memory

Of how a tryst should unfold

I'm falling for the opposite

What would he say?

Like the map of our key touched

Our hearts oblige, and I judge

What do you say to a dream that won't go away?

Cause I don't know if I can stand it

Forever isn't something you want to be

And I rely on familiar things

Seven days'll have special meanings

But you just call it a week

_~ Splendid, "Charge"_

~*~

He was watching her. She could feel it on her back, a weight that pressed down on her until she didn't know if she could breath. She pushed the door to the refrigerator closed with her heel and turned to find him sitting on her sofa, face blank but eyes burning.

She tried to make her hands as steady as possible as she put meat and bread together into sandwiches. All the time feeling as he watched her from across the room, as though her every movement held the key to his memory and in a way it very well could. She had changed when they got to her apartment; she wore a loose shirt that wouldn't stop slipping down off her shoulder and loose shorts. It was late and she couldn't seem to stop herself from making excuses to get up and walk away from him. 

He was too much for her to handle all at once and she could tell that he was starting to get frustrated with her fidgeting. She brought the sandwiches over to him and sat down handing him one. "I don't know what you like, we never really ate together."

"Why not?" his voice was soft, silk wrapped steel.

"We never actually got the chance to. We ate together once with Syl and Krit…" her voice trailed off, not knowing if he remembered how he had come to loose his memory in the first place.

"Syl and Krit?"

"Two of our siblings. You called them to help when I'd been captured…we ended up trying to take down Manticore." she explained softly.

"Trying?" She watched as his face screwed up in a grimace of pain. 

__

"Max!" They were rolling him in on a stretcher, pain spreading out from his shoulder. He could see her lying with blood everywhere and for a second he couldn't breath.

The doctors are talking, he can hear them but they sound soft compared to the loud beeping of the heart monitor hooked up to Max, and then the even louder sound of her flat line. They used the paddles on her and there was silence for what seemed like forever before her heart started beating again.

It flat lined again and a woman's voice finally caught his attention, "What's her condition?"

A doctor answered her, "the bullet went clean through. Her right ventricle is collapsed. She's gone." Zack felt his stomach drop at the words. The woman wouldn't let that happen, would she?

"Is there damage to any other organs?" Zack watched, as the doctor shook his head 'no'

The woman shook her head sadly, "prep her for harvesting."

"No." he could feel the word ripped from his throat as he struggled out of the stretcher, a soldier got in his way and he took him out, not even paying attention as he grabbed the gun. The woman was in his arms before she knew what was happening. He turned the gun on the doctors and yelled, "Bring her back! "

The doctor shook his head; "Her heart's too badly damaged."

"Then transplant her." He ordered, refusing to panic as Max lay there on the stretcher, the heart monitor still only showing a flat line.

"There's nothing in the donor bank." The doctor answered, looking like he was ready to faint at the point of Zack's gun.

"Then you need a donor." He ground out turning his gun on the woman.

The woman held up her arms her face showing its first sign of emotion. "It won't do her any good. She's an X5. She needs an X5 heart." 

He grimaces and pushes her away and kneels down next to Max. "Fight them, Maxie. Promise me you'll fight them." He wants so badly to kiss her, to touch her hair but can't bring himself to touch her. He stands up and with a face as hard as stone he points the gun at his head. "X5-599, I've got a heart for you." He almost wants to laugh at the shock on the woman's face before he pulls the trigger and the world went black.

Zack was breathing heavily as he clutched at his head. Max's arms were around him, supporting his weight as he tried not to sob. "I killed myself," he whispered, and then his eyes met hers, "for you."

She closed her eyes against the pain in his and took a deep breath, "kind of…kind of because you're here now, you couldn't have died because you're alive."

"I'm only kept alive by machines," he cried grasping her shoulders.

"But alive, that's the important part." She drew back, biting her lip as she looked at him. "And you still have a heart…its in me but its still yours."

With a shaking hand he touched the skin over her, their, heart and couldn't help the tear that slipped down his cheek. "I think that's where it belongs." 

She took in a shaking breath and as his eyes met hers she couldn't stop thinking about what Alec had said. Here was her savior, the man who had been there to save her at every turn, sitting beside her, and she was desperately trying to think of him as a brother. That right there should tell her something. She readjusted her sleeve trying to find something to do with her hands.

__

How many times has he offered you his hand only to have it bitten off? He loves you…more than life itself and he's proved it. Alec's words wouldn't stop echoing in her head even when she shook it sadly. That's when she realized that Zack was watching her with a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. She touched them softly, barely letting skin touch skin. "You used to never do that."

"Do what?" She let her hand drop to her lap with a soft plop.

"Smile…you did, just not often." Her voice was sad as she remembered the few times she had been graced with that smile. When Zack had been playing Sam, when they'd had coffee while she was waiting for a call so she could find him. In the cabin he had smiled as he brushed her hair out of her eyes. There were other times but they had been few and far between always leaving her longing for another glimpse of her brother the human. 

"I had too many responsibilities to smile," he answered solemnly. 

"That's a shame…it's a beautiful smile."

"Is it?" he asked quietly watching her with wide blue eyes. Eyes that were searching for something to tell him that he was welcome here, in her home.

"Yes," she lifted her hand again this time to touch his cheek. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips and she was suddenly very aware that Zack was watching her mouth, and just how close his own was to hers. She was forced to wonder if he kissed her what would she do. 

"Then I'll try to do it more often…" he started to lean in closer.

His lips brushed against hers and the errant thought flitted through her head that she could fall in love with that feeling. Max pulled away, she didn't know from what: him or the thought. Her breathing was heavy as she stood up quickly, "I'm gonna get a drink to go with this sandwich…do you want one?"

He stood too, "No, thanks." He followed her into the kitchen this time, his sandwich forgotten. 

She stared down at her hands as she felt him come up behind her, "I don't know how to…to do this." She admitted softly.

"Do what?" he asked his voice just as soft.

"I don't know…what I mean." She turned around to find him only a hands breath away from her. She couldn't breath without taking his scent in; leather, sweat, man, and something that was so purely him that there was no other way to describe it. It was heady and intoxicating and her mind labeled it safety. He took a step toward her and she backed up before she realized what she was doing. "I should go to bed," she said trance like as she watched him take another slow step towards her, his movement unconsciously seductive.

He reached out a hand to trace her bare shoulder, "then go to bed." His eyes met hers as he felt heat radiating off her in waves.

"Don't wanna," she managed to force past her lips.

"Then don't," he took another step so that all that separated their bodies was two thin layers of clothes. "Stay with me," he whispered bending his head slowly so that his lips hovered over hers, his breath warm on her skin. 

"I shouldn't," she strained against his hands trying to reach his lips without even realizing it.

"Why not?" His lips stayed just out of her reach, his scent and warmth teasing her senses.

"Because…" Her eyes stayed on his mouth as her words trailed off softly. "I can't remember exactly why." She confided reaching for his lips one last time.

He pulled back slightly to smile gently down at her, "good," he whispered before finally capturing her full bee-stung lips with his own. The kiss was soft and tender at first, as he savored finally being able to feel her against him. Her body froze with the contact, electricity running over her skin. Every thought flew out of her head and she forgot how to breathe. 

Max was sure her body had caught on fire, everywhere he touched her nerves exploded. His fingertips, trailing down her shoulders and slipping under her shirt to touch the skin of her back, were cool but did nothing to take the edge off the heat that danced along her body. She could taste him on her skin and the feel of his tongue sliding past her lips elicited a quiet moan she couldn't control, and that drove him over the edge.

Their movements became frantic, and his muscles rippled as he lifter her tank over her head and traced the seductive curve of her neck with gentle kisses, his teeth nipping at her skin as his hands splayed against the tight skin of her stomach. 

She pulled back and tugged off his black t-shirt and replaced the feel of fabric with her soft lips and her hands running over broad shoulders. She rained kisses along his jaw, over his neck, and down the hard muscles of his chest. He breathed her name lifting her face to meet his once again, hungry for the taste of her. And as his hands slipped around her waist, pulling her to his body, he remembered another woman. Just as small and dark though not as beautiful as this one. The first Zack had ever been with a woman, he could remember her face flushed with desire changing as she cried out in pain as he almost crushed her ribs because he had lost control.

The present day Zack froze with the remembered horror. He wrenched himself away from Max, with wide eyes, and kept backing up until his back touched the counter.

"Zack?" she asked, shaking slightly from the touch of the cold night air. She took a step closer stopping at the sound of his voice.

"I don't…" He couldn't speak for a long time. Looking at her, afraid that she would come closer. Afraid that he would lose control.

Fear froze her. All she could think was how when she had finally come to terms with some of the things that she felt for this man; he was having second thoughts. What if he was disgusted with himself, with her? "You don't what?"

"I don't want…"

"You don't want me?" Her voice shook gently but she refused to look away from him. The sudden look of surprise and horror on his face was a balm to her pain. She smiled slightly and took another step closer to him; "You don't want what, Zack?"

His eyes closed slowly as he sighed," I don't…want…" he took a deep breath and looked at her, his jaw clenching as he tried to control himself. "I don't want to hurt you." He finally spat out.

She smiled, her face lightening as she closed the distance between them, "you won't." She said simply tracing his jaw with a light finger.

"How do you know?" His voice was small, and needy, but he leaned into her touch.

"Because I trust you. Do you trust me?"

"Yes…" the word was a hiss that he breathed out through his lips, lifting a hand to cup her cheek.

"You're not gonna hurt me. I'm just as strong as you are." She pressed her body against his. The touch of bare skin fanning the flames between them until Zack couldn't remember to be worried and Max couldn't think of ever having wanted to not be in his arms. 


	10. Puzzle Pieces

Author's Note: Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? If that's the case you people are probably really really fond of this story by now. I keep getting writer's block every time I try to write on this story and it's really exhausting to keep hitting my head against a brick wall that just kind of sits there. It would be ok if the damned thing would go "nah nah na boo boo" at me or _something_. But it doesn't it just _sits_ there and looks at me. It looks at me with those eyes that just _look_ and crap. ::sighs:: it's very unsettling. As you can imagine. Well, here is the next chapter that I know you've all been waiting so patiently for.

Review, the writing gods demand their sacrifice in reviews! 

Secret Life

Chapter 10: Puzzle pieces

~*~

__

I wanna be locked in a cage

I wanna be strapped in a chair

I wanna be where you are

If my insanity comes

Wrapped up inside your...

I wanna break my legs

In case a thought to escape

Keep the hammer out of my reach

If my pounding impulse comes

Wrapped up inside your arms

Locked up inside you

Hold me down cause I want to know you

You bring calm to my rage

You are life and I'm thirsting for you

Hold me; hold me locked in a cage

~ Skillet, "Locked in a cage"

~*~

The door slammed open and Max and Zack threw themselves out of each other's arms. Max couldn't figure out what was happening, her senses too dulled by Zack's kisses that she couldn't focus on any one thing. Original Cindy stood there with an open mouth and a bag of groceries. "Original Cindy didn't interrupt anything did she?"

"Um…I…we were…no, you didn't." She managed to get out as she grabbed her shirt and ran a hand through her hair and forced a smile onto her face, ignoring the look of disappointment on Zack's face. The shirt was over her head before she went on. "What you got there, boo?"

"Just some food I managed to get with the money you gave me from pool. It's a feast." She said slowly with a raised brow, her eyes trailing over to Zack who was pulling his shirt on to cover his chest.

"I provide the cash and you provide the food, perfect match."

"I'll say." Cindy flashed a smile and waved a loaf of bread around. "O.C's got herself some skills."

"No ones doubtin.'" Max laughed and made her way into the cubby for the kitchen and grabbed some food away from her roommate to help put away. She shot a look over her shoulder at Zack who stood in the spot she had left him watching her. "If you want you can crash here tonight. Take my bed, I won't be needing it." 

"Thanks," he grunted and headed into her room without a backward glance.

"Hasn't changed much, has he?" Cindy said pursing her lips.

"He has, he's just a little put out at the moment."

"So Original Cindy saw." Max just glared at her unhappily as she put milk into the refrigerator. 

~*~

He woke with a start crying out in the haze of sleep, some unseen monster plaguing his dreams. Sun poured through his window as his searched around him, trying to remember where he was. "Max," he whispered softly into the air, almost afraid that if he said her name out loud that the events of the night before would never have happened. His door opened and Max's head came into view slowly.

She smiled at him, "are you ok? I thought I heard you."

He opened his mouth to answer her before snapping it shut and shaking his head trying his best to turn away from her. She opened the door just enough so she could come in and walk over to his bed, making no noise. Max crouched down next to the bed careful to catch his eyes. "Just leave me alone," he growled under his breath and rolled his eyes.

"No," she said softly and reached a hand out to touch his hair. "Why did I hear you in the living room?"

"I had a nightmare, if you gotta know." He pulled back away from her and almost growled again when he saw the look of shock on her face. Zack, the strong big brother, had a nightmare. It meant that there was something he was afraid of. 

"What…what was it about?" She asked softly.

"Nothing," he pushed himself out of her bed, unconcerned by the fact that all he was wearing was his boxers. He couldn't help be angry that she was ignoring the events of the last night. It was something he had wanted for so long, even when he couldn't remember the name that went with the face he had wanted her to look at him the way he looked at her. For a short time he had it and he was angry it had been taken away, that and the shock written across her face. He got to be scared sometimes too. But with that thought the anger that he was so accustomed to burned out and he sighed. No, he didn't get to be afraid, something whispered in the back of his mind. A remnant of the man he used to be. "Nothing," he repeated hollowly to his hands. 

"It didn't sound like nothing, it sounded like a something," she pressed reaching her hand out to touch his, thought better of it, and pulled back before she could once again feel the soft skin. 

"Well, it was nothing, despite what it sounded like." He shook his head and walked to the window, his jaw clenched. "Sorry if I disturbed you for nothing."

She sat down on her bed and sighed as his smell rose her meet her, she thought distantly that it wasn't a good idea to have him sleep in her bed. I would be forever before she could get that amazing smell out of her sheets. "I don't exactly sleep, so you didn't wake me up or anything."

He turned to blink at her slowly, "oh." His brows pulled together as memories boiled under the surface. Visions of another girl who never slept, sitting on a bar dancing to music and smiling down at him, _'Dane with me, dahling, dance.'_ "Shark DNA?" he asked quietly.

"That's what we used to always say." She smiled up at him, her full lips stretching sweetly.

"We?"

"Me and Jondy." He repeated the name to himself, labeling the laughing girl by her name. Max looked down at her hands sadly; "maybe you don't remember her."

"I do…sort of." He shook his head slowly and walked back over to the bed and sat down. "I have glimpses of things I can't really remember or explain." He dropped his head into his hands. "It's so…"

"Frustrating?" she supplied quietly.

"Confusing," he finished and glanced at her with a smile. "It's frustrating too."

She touched his hair softly, letting her fingers run through the golden mass of it. "I'll help you remember," she told him, her voice a loud whisper in the room.

"Is that all?" He asked not looking at her, afraid that she would turn away from him if he did.

"For now," she swallowed past a lump in her throat as she smiled over at him. "Both of us are confused, right now, and I don't want us to do something that…"

"How I feel about you is the one thing I'm not confused about, Maxie." As her nickname fell from his lips images bombarded him. 

__

"Maxie, you can't do that." He said in a harsh whisper pulling his little sister away from a door that lead into medical facilities. She looked up at him with wide brown eyes that brimmed with tears that she wouldn't let fall.

"I saw Jack," she said simply, her voice rough and unhappy.

"You saw him?" he asked quietly already leading her down the hall, her small hand in his.

"Yeah, the nomlies got him." He turned to meet her eyes and ran his hand softly over her shaved head. She looked up at him trustingly and he wanted to yell in his frustration. He would protect his family no matter what happened. 

"They won't get you, Maxie." He promised his face hardening, such intensity for one so young. "They'll never get you."

"I never kept any of my promises, did I?" He asked bending his head in defeat.

"What do you mean?" she asked putting a hand under his chin.

"They got you. I couldn't stop them," he explained trying not to look at her. It was impossible though, eyes were drawn to Max like magnets and nothing could be done about it. 

"Oh, Zack," she sounded like she wanted to cry and he turned so that he was facing her, his body turned to hers. "You have done so much, and there was no way you could ever have done more. You saved my life." She reached for his hand and brought it to rest over her heart. "I've said this before, that's you in there. That's you beating in my chest."

His mouth hung open as he looked where his hand rested. She had told him so earlier and he had replied that it was where it belonged and now he believed it more than ever. His heart in her chest, no man could ever come closer. His eye rose to meet hers, "but I failed."

"No, you didn't. You made us all proud that you were ours. You never failed," she stuck her chin out as her lips drew together in a tight line. "You were always the rock, Zack, you were the reason we survived in that hell hole. Our savior when the world was against us." She closed her eyes remember Alec's words of earlier. "No one could have or would have done more."

Zack blinked slowly at her, before closing his own eyes and bowing his head. "I wanted to do more."

__

"Ben, what do you think you're doing?" He tried not to yell at the boy who looked up at him with wide blue green eyes. Eyes that were painfully vacant of human emotion or sanity.

"I want her to see me again," the boy answered simply, kneeling down infront of the altar of the Virgin Mary. 

"She isn't real," Zack sat down next to him, staring up into the face of the icon that they had twisted into their own Manticore mold. 

"She's real…she has to be. She has to see me." His voice was hollow as he looked at Zack, his full lips pulling into a frown. And then a mask slipped into place as they lifted in a smile, "I don't know what I'm doing, big brother, I'm just sad sometimes."

"Ben, you can't go on like this."

"Like what?" Owl eyes blinked at him innocently.

"Running from church to church. I heard what happened in Cleveland." Zack touch the back of Ben's head, a full head of soft downy hair met his fingertips. It had been years since the escape and he didn't cut it often. 

"What did you hear?" the mask slipped slightly, showing fear in those eyes.

"That you hurt a priest; broke his arm and almost killed him."

"But I didn't," he said in a small child-like voice, at odds with the body of the teenager that sat before him. "I didn't kill him, I stopped before…anything happened."

"You can't do things like that, it'll bring Lydecker down on you in a second." Zack hissed, not wanting to go soft like something inside him cried to. He pushed down the voice that said to take him into his arms and not to let go, be the physical anchor that he couldn't be mentally. 

"I stopped…" Ben said meekly looking into Zack's blue eyes. Zack's breath caught in his throat as he looked into the void, he was going to loose his brother and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

He did hug him then, bringing the slender body into his arms and fighting back tears. "I know you stopped, I know."

"Zack?" Max's hand brushed against his cheek and he jumped, seeing for a second, memories lying like a shroud over her face. 

He shook himself and blinked at her. "I'm sorry. I can't exactly control the flash backs."

"That's ok." She smiled. "It's good that you're having them. It means you'll get better."

He swallowed, "Some of the things…that I remember make me not want to. Get better that is. I went through so much that hurt, and now every wound is fresh." Fresh and bleeding he thought distantly, not meeting her eyes.

"I know what you mean," she said softly and touched his hair like he had touched Ben's and hers when she had been nine-years-old. It was a painful reminder of how the tables had turned. "Our life hasn't exactly been an easy one."

__

"Buck it up, babe." Jondy smiled showing of pearly white teeth as she pulled a blue lollipop out of her mouth. "It sucks, true, but that's life. Not just a magazine."

He narrowed his eyes at her and tugged a lock of blonde hair that hung at her shoulders. "Not just a magazine?" 

"Yup." She shrugged when he lifted an eyebrow at her. "It sucks. We're so small and they're so big and we're just trying to keep our heads about water." She smiled and punched his shoulder lightly; bright red nails the color of blood flashed in the sun, causing glints of color to shine against her ridiculously blue eyes. "That's the important thing, though, that we keep kicking."

"Kicking?" he smiled down at her and watched as she rolled her eyes with a huff

"Kicking…you know that thing you have to do to swim? It goes with the keeping our heads above water part of the lecture."

"Oh, right."

She glared at him; her lips pressed together as she frowned at him, then a smile lifted the corners of her mouth mischievously. "Tell me something…"

"What?"

"Is my tongue blue?" She stuck her tongue out at him with a 'bleah,' getting the laugh she had so craved.

"I just gotta keep kicking," he said into his hands as he rubbed his face. 

"I guess," she said with a laugh. "Interesting choice of words."

"They aren't mine," he answered distantly, looking off into the distance. "You're going to help me remember, right?" he asked in a small voice.

"Of course," she looked down at her hands. "I owe you that much."

He turned to her with wide blue eyes as his brow furrowed; "You don't own me anything, Maxie." 


End file.
